26.7.03
it's one of those lonely nights
groping in the dark for company
but to seek solace in the dark
with only stars and the moon as friends
there is no one
no one who understands
no one who can provide warmth
i'm just a stranger stumbling down the streets
i'm unappreciated, unloved, unnoticed
and unwanted
i'm appreciating, loving, noticing
and wanting
wanting so badly. the search for survival.
the morbid best befits the dark.
den* stepped on your garbage at
speech day today...the guest-of-honour was the president of law society. and she urged students to take the arts. how ironic. law and the arts. my mum should have listened to that speech. tears welled up with each of her words. it was as though there were trillions of strings fastened taut and were severed so viciously with a pair of tyranical scissors. one by one. she spoke about being passionate. and the words stung. i asked myself if law was what i wanted. if i'd never even gave it a thought in the past, would it be something i wanted? another futile attempt to persuade her. there was absolutely no leeway. i should just succumb and submit.
you are just so unsupportive and self-centered. you took what i said as mere sweeping statements and you expect me to listen to what you say and regard them as some precious asset. this is not going to work out. i wonder if this is an attribute of a firstborn and an only at that. if you think you're the only person worthy of others' attention and 'adulation', think again. im not magnanimous enough to allow you to go about with your reckless and nonchalent attitude. it stinks alright. im not your mother who's willing to sacrifice her whole self for you. you may think others are less important than you are at home, i dont blardee well care. but if you're going to throw your weight and your petty princess attitude around, it's going to take a toll on everything you do. i ignored everything that happened today, i shut up. but you can never imagine how much anger and annoyance you have inflicted in me. i hate it when you brush what i say aside by saying, "who cares?" in an arrogant and mocking manner. it is hundred percent irritating do you get it?! i dont see how the people i talk about should be any less significant than those you talk about. she is by far the most important person in my life and you think your dearest is way superior. your words cut k? and they're disgustingly punctuated with despise. i dont see why i should be crying now. i think im just utterly disappointed in you. you're such a damnit selfish ass sometimes.
to dearie: i thought i could cheer u up but little did i think that i would be the one shaken once again by emotions. the only difference is that this time, it's friendships. i dont know what happened on your end and i suppose it's all those conflicting waves of emotions riding high in you again, but in any case, dont blame yourself for being inexpressive or anything. it isnt sth that can heal right away and more often than not, it's not your fault. perhaps you've been influenced by me to tend to shoulder all the blame and i understand how much fatigue that can cause. but dont worry kie? u'll be fine. if you wanna say anything u can always go to the diary, i'll be there for you k? and pls, crying does help. and no, it doesnt make you weaker. i guess you bottle up too much sometimes, and you erupt occassionally. if there's anything just give me a call k? im not going to cast you aside and say "who cares?" like some idiots do and you know something, if you are depressed, it's hard for me to remain happy. am kinda worried about you. cheer up girl. luv ya.
den* stepped on your garbage at
25.7.03
the bubble has burst. my dreams have dissipitated into thin air. i summed up my courage and was faced with the same trepidation all over again. once again, my career plans were rejected. but somehow this time it's doubly bad. probably because i just went to the library and got all interested in the idea of a forensic psychologist and before i knew it, the dream's history. the reason: it is too specialized. which is true, but the irony is that before this, she claimed that psychology was too common. fine..i'll just ditch the intention kiex? sian. life's so short and yet there are so many restrictions. cant even do what i like. forget it lor. she listed out the 'permitted' jobs: doctor, lawyer, engineer, architect....blah blah...all this kind. nevermind lor, damn disappointed. like what my sis describes those jobs, "it's the kind where u ask a kid what he'd like to be when he grows up and he says he wants to be a doctor...or he wants to be a lawyer..." so dead true. and after going through the choices, crossing out one after another, the only one i'd give consideration to is studying law. which is rather out-of-this-world, i've never thought of doing law...medicine maybe, but not law. and i told my mum that i wont do courtroom cases cos in the end, i'd just die in the courtroom and be the one getting persecuted instead. and she laughed her head off. fine...it's just pathetic...but in any case, the reason why i opted for law is the fact that it's non-science. ie. ARTS. and she was quite disappointed by my reason. haha. but too bad. i mean, it's one of her options allowed...and she doesnt seem to really mind. but i just wonder if im cut out for the job...and i cant imagine the hefty school fees that are going to be chalked up. i cant believe this is happening...my life's taking a huge turn, by the twist of fate.
den* stepped on your garbage at
today's as fulfilling as yesterday. :) mdm ho didnt turn up for VA, it was both a pleasant surprise and source of irritation and annoyance. aniwae, played five stones after that. it was such a lovely experience, all the recollections abt the days in primary sch...hehe...nice! :) wish i had my own stones to play with though.
went with yash to ikea then to the library. mmz..quite nice...afterall, it's like a break in the midst of all the homework. quite sad that i didnt get to eat both the ice cream and onion rings in tht end...and in exchange, i had two coleslaws and a mashed potato. whoa. found a book on psychology in the library. it was so interesting that i felt like bringing the book home, but too bad, didnt have a card with me. learnt so many new things from the book..this term 'limerence'...it's sth like infatuation. really cool. but from what the book described as true love, it doesnt sound like love at all. more like long-term partnership and cooperating with one another. isnt that kinda mundane? it lacks the essence, the spice, the romance? and i wont say chemistry cos i dont exactly believe in it. oh wells, to me, it all still boils down to fate. such a staunch believer, haha.
got this from a site:
Q. Isn't ``limerence'' just a euphemism for ``infatuation''?
A. No. All infatuation is limerence, but not all limerence is infatuation. If you're limerent about a spouse of ten years, I wouldn't call that ``infatuation''. (Of course, it's unlikely that you'd have been limerent about her constantly for the entire ten years -- limerence waxes and wanes.)
I would define ``infatuation'' as ``limerence that you feel for someone with whom you have insufficient personal acquaintance to evaluate rationally as a potential SO''. (Wow, I just defined one word that's in my dictionary in terms of two that aren't!)
Here's another definition: ``The literal meaning of infatuation is `to be made foolish of fatuous, to be deprived of sound judgement.' In the context of relationships, infatuation means an intense attraction to another arising from our focusing on one or two aspects of the other as if those aspects represented the whole. I see a beautiful face, for example, and assume it is the image of a beautiful soul. I see how kindly this person treats me and assume we share significant affinities. I discover we share important values in one area and expand this area to include the whole sphere of life.'' (Nathaniel Branden)
If you are limerent about someone, but
have a realistic notion of what that person is like, and
have a realistic notion of what a relationship is like,
then you are not infatuated.
oh...i saw this old lady fall down along the pavement just now near the busstop. it just rained so the drain cover thingy was pretty slippery. i was on the opposite side of the road and somehow i felt so worried when i saw her fall and just dashed across and it felt as if a force pushed me to ask her if she was alright [i spoke stupidly in mandarin and when i told my sis, she was expecting that i spoke in hokkien. -__-]. i had that intention in mind but i never thought i'd voice it out. but aniwae i did. and i even offered to carry her groceries. apparently she said she fell down cos her husband wasnt keeping an eye on her. [ah lao mei2 you3 kan4 zhe4 wo3] okie lor..so since she rejected my offer i just asked her to be careful and left in a hurry. -_- it's nice to be able to offer help...but somehow, it has this strange tingling feeling to it as well. *shrugz*
am going to broach the qn later...hope she approves of it...*wishes*
Trying to maintain a close friendship under the conditions of unrequited limerence is not a good idea; it slows down the healing process.
den* stepped on your garbage at
24.7.03
just adjusted the fan. and im reminded of my silly fan logic that mr tan refused to accept. aiks. and thks to the ppl who agreed and supported my views! hahaha...okay, except one person who stubbornly insisted that my logic was wrong. oh wells. :) what he said did make sense actually...but so does mine!! when the fan rotates at a faster speed, the noise does gets louder isnt it? aniwae it was good enough to see that he had no definite explanation to rebuke my point. hehehe.
was pondering over what terri said. she asked me where i found the time to study...and honestly, i have no idea. i mean, i watch at least 3 hrs of tv a day, considering i come home between 4-7 and i sleep usually at 10? i dont know...that's where effective management comes in i guess. hurhur.
stomach's growling. and im going to think of what to eat tmr!! oh ya! dearest egg noodles. YES! hheheex. have been feeling so greedy lately. hehe. eating recess and planning for lunch, eating dinner and planning for the next day's recess. oh boy...but the thought of food is simply irresistable. -salivating-
my dear dorothy hasnt been in sch for the past two days. hope she's feeling better. and dont worry, being the ever-so-responsible-and-caring friend of yours, i've collected all your worksheets and books and chucked them in your desk. :) frankly, it's been rather enjoyable cos i got to 'invade' your territory and place my bag and stuff all over the two tables. hehe. but of cos, i'd rather you be back in sch and we can resume snapping and barking at one another, haha. it breaks the monotony once in a while. once in a while k? i need peace and solace too. haha. get well soon dear.
i was thinking that i must be a carrier of the flu bug. cos the ppl whom im close to are all stricken with flu. let's see...my sis who's with me for the bulk of the evening and night, jiayi who's nx to me every morning, and doro who's nx to me every morning to afternoon. hmmz.....
oh...ppl who are willing to help in my research work, pls take note on which foot do you put on your socks first and let me know kiex? hehe. thks. hafnt exactly collated the information abt the toilet one yet.
den* stepped on your garbage at
22.7.03
somehow im just so worried. worried about you. really, if sth were to go wrong, i can never imagine the consequences.
maybe what daph said was right. i should stop lying to myself. actually i didnt realise it consciously till she said it. honestly, im fine with the way things are now. so why bother even if im living in a dream? so be it. like what the grasshopper said, "i think everyone lives in a lie". now i realise the true meaning of it all.
revised bio and lit in sucha short frame of time. the revision is hence obviously slipshod and i really cant be bothered. just take the test and get it over and done with. the only thing i feel like doing now is drown myself in lots and lots of tv. as it is, i've watched 3 and a half hrs today already. considering the time i reached home, you can see how little i've spent on the revision. i wanna watch teevee!!
was eating dessert [again] today with yash and this idiotic crow kept swooping across our heads. total embarrassment and both of us were like so freaked out...ducking everytime it flew over. yuck. my meals are getting irregular once again. came home after eating dessert, no proper food, had mugmee at 4+. that's lunch. fantastic. if this goes on, gastrics will reign again.
sis is terribly ill. poor thing. the doc must have underestimated her sickness. and he didnt even check through thoroughly. we were practically out of his room in less than 3 mins. pathetic ass. she went to the doc today again. different one on duty today. thank goodness. hope she's well by tmr.
den* stepped on your garbage at
21.7.03
really long day today. stayed back for chem with daph and on our way out, decided to get sth to eat. stalls all closed except first stall so we had dessert!! like so long nvr eat le...hehe...daph and i were like some excited kids, giggling at the sight of the dessert. *yum* came home and my maid asked me to take a look at sis. she's fallen ill! aiks. she's rarely sick. usually im the one..hehe. so..had dinner, walked her to the doctor and saw wan kay on my way there?!?! saw the doc and mum took us home. came home, did bio tys..16 pages...really wanted my life. tried doing a maths but didnt noe how to do half of it..and there are only 4 qns...so wth, gave up. and decided to come online. so here i am. mmz..so many ppl sick....jiayi also....think the flu bug's going ard or sth. *shrugz*
tmr is going to be such an exciting day. woohoo! :D he's coming in for CME...muahaha. must brace myself and control my laughter. ;)
aiks. so sleepy. ciao.
den* stepped on your garbage at